Drama Queens

Drama Queens. We all know one or more. If you don't, you may want to evaluate yourself and see if you are a DQ.

This has really hit home lately as my personal DQ is getting so over the top I'm finding myself screening calls to avoid talking with her or, should I say listen to her. Who could get a word in edgewise and even if I did, she's not really listening, she's only waiting to be able to tell me how her life is worse and hinting to ask her how she's doing (and you do everything you can to avoid asking that question). I actually don't feel guilty about the screening. I've learned over the years to distance myself from emotionally draining people as much as possible. But at what point do I sit her down and have a long heart to heart. As is typical of the DQ mentality, she feels that everything is hunky dory and that I am her best friend in the whole wide world and she completely misses how everyone (at least all the mutual friends I know) perceives her and her constant "demands" for attention. 

Her DQness usually takes the form of an illness. She's always sick. I never tell her anymore if my kids have the sniffles and she's planning on coming over because if she hears they have the sniffles, within 2 days she has the flu. And she never gets a common cold, it's always the flu or a sinus infection or bronchitis, etc. And she suffers from migraines. Which is awful, I'm sure, but what kind of migraines always magically appear hours before we're supposed to double date with her and her husband? Or show up the day before a planned movie marathon? She always seems just fine when they plan to go out of town. We actually haven't socialized with her and her husband in months because of these ailments. It has started to feel like the sicknesses are really excuses to not spend time with us. And it also feels a little like the boy who cried wolf after a while. I'm sure she actually is sick sometimes and does suffer from migraines sometimes, but I don't think it's as often or nearly as serious as she portrays. I firmly believe she has fallen into this pattern where she doesn't know how to get the positive attention she desires and this is the only way she knows to get any attention. 

My hubby and I adore her hubby. He's one of our best friends. We met him before they were married and he is the one who introduced us to her. Her and her hubby are the only couple we socialize with and do things with so this constant not being able to "hang out" with us is putting a small damper on our social life (good thing Hubby and I are best friends and LOVE to spend time together, but we're now brainstorming ways to meet some new couples to have fun with). Friendship is like any other relationship, it takes work from all to keep it healthy and strong and they're not at a point where they can put forth this effort, but they still feel like everything is as it always has been. So we feel our friendship is totally taken for granted.  I can't cut her out completely nor do I want to. I'd really like to see her get some kind of mental help. She can be fun when she's not always suffering some ailment. Her hubby can be the life of the party if he's given the chance to actually go out and not take care of her all the time.

I have in the past sat down with both of them and gave her a book I had read. It was an outstanding book called 

Don't Call Me a Drama Queen!: A Guide for the Overly Sensitive and Their Significant Others Who Need to Learn How to Lighten Up and Go with the Flow Dr. Debra Mandel

I had even highlighted sections. And I can hear you saying that sounds a little presumptuous (I thought so, too, truthfully), but she also claims she likes to be told these things about her. She thanked me and read it. And overall, even if it didn't help her (and it didn't. It floored her to think I saw her that way.) it helped me because I am in fact a recovering DQ.

So part of me wonders why this bugs me so much. Is it because it reminds me of where I've come from and how horrible I was and the extent I'd go to get attention and how easy it is to fall back into those old patterns? Or is it because I really care about her and want her to realize how she's ostracizing herself from others? Even if I talk to her, will she listen? She didn't last time and because I have been the only one "brave" enough to say something, I'm pretty sure she thinks it's just me. In the end you can't help someone who doesn't want or think they need help. Now, all that's left is for me to decide whether or not to speak to her about how I'm feeling. I don't think it will help her and truthfully, it's been so long since we've spent quality time together with them that I no longer miss them like I used to. Do I care enough anymore to even try? The only reason I might say yes to that is her delusion that we are besties. One, it's not nice to lead anyone on for any reason. And two, if she truly thinks of me as a bestie I should act like one and try my darndest to keep her from continuing down a path that I know from personal experience doesn't lead to everyone proving that they love you and that they care about you, it only leads to everyone tiring of your drama and distancing themselves so that in the end you're left with the one thing you feared the most , feeling alone and unloved. 

I thought writing this all out would help me come to some conclusion on what to do. It hasn't, but I do feel better and my thoughts are definitely more organized now, so I feel it will be easier to make the right decision.

To those who also have a DQ in your life, please know you are not alone and that it's ok to distance yourself from their drama. We should all strive to live simply and drama free!